X marx the spot

the x's are what the club used to put my age on display.cant wait to be 21.

I went to a birthday celebration yesterday...i could be a cynic and go into the hypocrisy of humans to at once fear death && celebrate our slow march towards it..but I'll spare you the obvious rant.The birthday was of someone who i once before hated not because i wanted to but because they seemed to desire through theyre actions that i feel that negativity towards them.By nature i am not a hateful person.i can honestly say Ive only ever hated one person and it was seemingly resolved through one drunken party upstate of which i have only scant traces of recollection.
The point I'm getting at here..if one is to be made...is that its generally the people I'm closest with that can draw anger out of me.i guess this is a given but it makes me fear emotional proximity.i was getting close to someone whom i had an intense attraction to && just as things were getting (possibly) somewhere...i fucked up. i can say it was the fault of some brugal and various other poisons till i go blue in the face...but i feel as though some part of me performed the fatal childish actions intentionally.Fear doesn't always have to be of something life threatening, my fears are of someone breaking down my wall && not revealing my heart but rather being crushed by the rubble without even a glimpse at the foretold emotional organ.